Monday, September 26, 2016

you can't just change your hair

I love Grey's Anatomy. It's my guilty pleasure when I want to escape from life for 45 minutes. It makes you laugh, it makes you cry, and you fall in love with the characters and their lives. It's the best.

There's an episode where Lexie one of the surgeons decides to dye her hair from brown to blonde after a breakup. Now I didn't have a bad break up but I was kind of feeling like I was having a "quarter life crisis" and I did the same thing. We'll get there. So there's a part where Lexie is talking to another surgeon named Jackson and he says to her, "you can't just change your hair. Okay? You wanna be unforgettable? You can't just change your hair. You have to actually change. Just sayin'."

I came home from my mission and felt completely lost. I wasn't pre-mission Kira, I wasn't Soeur Holmes, so who was I? I walked around Provo Utah feeling like a stranger in my own state. I was surrounded by seemingly perfect people and I didn't know how to be me. I'd always wondered what it would be like to dye my hair blonde, so I did. I thought that by getting a new look that I would feel different, I would "find myself" again. Wrong. Sure I had blonde hair but I felt exactly the same. And to be honest, I didn't really like it. Yeah it was fun to have a change, but I felt even less like myself than before. I was trying to make myself into something I really wasn't.

So I guess Jackson was right, you can't just change your hair, you have to change. New hair, new clothes, new city, new friends, new things don't change you. Change is a very personal experience that really you have to do on your own. So I dyed my hair back brown, and I felt a little more like myself.

I still walk around Provo feeling as lost as ever, I often compare myself to these "perfect" human beings. I've changed my major 3 times since I've been here. I've lived in 2 different apartments with a total of 8 different roommates. I've had 3 different jobs. I put all my eggs in one basket and had my heart broken. I've made life long friends. I've laughed a lot and cried too. I've stayed up way to late. I've made memories that will last forever.

So maybe I haven't experienced this Earth shaking change, but I'm changing. Little by little and day by day I'm changing and molding into the person I'm becoming. I'm so far from perfect. I make a lot of mistakes. Sometimes I take one step forward and two steps back. But I'm trying. I don't have it all figured out and I'm learning that's OK. But I'm taking it a day at a time.

I love life, and even though I'm kind of just stumbling around I'm getting there.

So I came home and was brunette...

Then I was blonde...

And now I'm back to being me. It's going pretty well if I do say so myself.