Monday, September 26, 2016

you can't just change your hair

I love Grey's Anatomy. It's my guilty pleasure when I want to escape from life for 45 minutes. It makes you laugh, it makes you cry, and you fall in love with the characters and their lives. It's the best.

There's an episode where Lexie one of the surgeons decides to dye her hair from brown to blonde after a breakup. Now I didn't have a bad break up but I was kind of feeling like I was having a "quarter life crisis" and I did the same thing. We'll get there. So there's a part where Lexie is talking to another surgeon named Jackson and he says to her, "you can't just change your hair. Okay? You wanna be unforgettable? You can't just change your hair. You have to actually change. Just sayin'."

I came home from my mission and felt completely lost. I wasn't pre-mission Kira, I wasn't Soeur Holmes, so who was I? I walked around Provo Utah feeling like a stranger in my own state. I was surrounded by seemingly perfect people and I didn't know how to be me. I'd always wondered what it would be like to dye my hair blonde, so I did. I thought that by getting a new look that I would feel different, I would "find myself" again. Wrong. Sure I had blonde hair but I felt exactly the same. And to be honest, I didn't really like it. Yeah it was fun to have a change, but I felt even less like myself than before. I was trying to make myself into something I really wasn't.

So I guess Jackson was right, you can't just change your hair, you have to change. New hair, new clothes, new city, new friends, new things don't change you. Change is a very personal experience that really you have to do on your own. So I dyed my hair back brown, and I felt a little more like myself.

I still walk around Provo feeling as lost as ever, I often compare myself to these "perfect" human beings. I've changed my major 3 times since I've been here. I've lived in 2 different apartments with a total of 8 different roommates. I've had 3 different jobs. I put all my eggs in one basket and had my heart broken. I've made life long friends. I've laughed a lot and cried too. I've stayed up way to late. I've made memories that will last forever.

So maybe I haven't experienced this Earth shaking change, but I'm changing. Little by little and day by day I'm changing and molding into the person I'm becoming. I'm so far from perfect. I make a lot of mistakes. Sometimes I take one step forward and two steps back. But I'm trying. I don't have it all figured out and I'm learning that's OK. But I'm taking it a day at a time.

I love life, and even though I'm kind of just stumbling around I'm getting there.

So I came home and was brunette...

Then I was blonde...

And now I'm back to being me. It's going pretty well if I do say so myself.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

i like my choices

I've always wanted to be that person who was really good at keeping a journal or having an updated blog. I am most definitely not one of those people. 

I've been thinking a lot about choices. Pretty simple I guess. We make choices every single day. From what do I want for breakfast to am I going to study for my test or go to McDonald's. Whether big or small, our choices define us.

Jim Rohn said,  “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

Coming home from a mission is kind of hard and these past 7 months I feel like I've been faced with a lot of scary and exciting choices. It feels overwhelming sometimes. Luckily I have more than five really cool people I get to spend a lot of time with and if I'm the average of them, then yeah I like my choices.

I'm grateful for those people who have been there for me non stop.
I'm grateful that I can pillow talk with Carly for hours.
I'm grateful I can call Megan and know she'll listen to me rant.
I'm grateful for my cute roommates that leave me notes on the mirror
I'm grateful for my adorable family. We don't always see eye to eye but Heaven knows we can't live without each other
I'm grateful for mission friends who became my best friends
But mostly I'm grateful for my very best friend, my Savior.

He helps me make the best choices. He knows what's right for me and what I need when I can't see that for myself. His way is THE way to eternal happiness. I'm so far from perfect, but I'm trying to figure it out.

Life is full of choices. So I'll go on making them minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by day. Month by month. And year by year.

So if what Jim Rohn said is true, well then, I like my choices.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

great things never came from comfort zones

I decided I'll try my hand at blogging again. Now don't get too excited, I don't have anything grand to say. Just kind of my feelings lately.

I returned home from my mission just over 3 months ago. It was the best experience of my entire life. But also the hardest. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. 

As I've come home I realized that "RM" life was a lot harder than I expected it to be. I thought that since I had served a mission that I had it all figured out, that from here on out I'd be different than I was before. I'd have both feet on the ground and I'd know exactly what I wanted. 

Wrong. Coming home felt like a tornado. For the past three months I've been blown in every direction and it seems to never stop. I can't stand still and I can't catch my breath. It's hard to keep up all the good habits I learned as a missionary. It's hard to not be who I was before. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a downward spiral that never stops. 

I saw this quote a few days ago, I've read it a million times before but it kinda hit me, "great things never came from the comfort zone." Where I am now is so far from the comfort zone. But it's true. I can't expect myself to grow, change, become who I'm intended to become if I am never stretched, pushed, challenged, or tried. Coming home isn't supposed to be easy. I think when life gets "easy" we should probably be worried. haha 

I had a meeting with my Stake President where he asked me how I was doing at adjusting back to normal life. I told him that I was doing fine. Then he said something that really hit me, he said, "I hope you didn't forget everything that made you the missionary that you were." Ouch. It wasn't that I forgot. It's just that I wasn't really doing any of the things I said I was going to do. I looked at my goals and check boxes and realized that I hadn't done any of them. I felt like I was failing and I felt sad. I wasn't happy and I realized that I hadn't been happy since I left France. I vividly remember having a zone conference where a visiting seventy said to us, "If when you go home you realize you are unhappy and missing your mission and you aren't doing what you are supposed to be doing, don't wonder why you're unhappy." 

The Gospel brings joy. Lasting happiness that pierces our souls. I wasn't happy because I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing. I like Peter had went back to "fishing", but I like Peter wasn't supposed to be fishing, I was supposed to continue to be a disciple of Jesus Christ, just in a different way.

I realized that our ministry doesn't end with a mission. Just because a mission ends it doesn't mean that helping, serving, loving. sharing, seeking revelation ends. It continues. Life continues after the mission. 

I'm grateful for everything my mission taught me. I'm grateful for everything being home has taught me. I'm grateful for my friends who've had my back these past three months. I'm grateful for crazy adventures and dance parties, fast food runs, cry sessions, temple trips, drives, and much more. 

I still have a lot of figuring out to do. But I know it'll all work out.